Session #26: Betrayal

[istainion]

23 May, 2021  [8:00 PM - 11:30+ AM (GMT+2)]

 

I woke up again, I felt the pain around my chest when I felt myself on a soft surface. I saw Naedithas close to me and smiled a little when I sat up to see Tibirin stand at the end of the bed. He was holding a holy symbol and was making a prayer. I remember looking at him with a confused expression and nearly did I laugh until I asked what happened and where I am . . .

 

I'm still in the basement of the Wachter's noble family, onto the bed, one of those four I saw on my way inside. My vision was still a little blurry and my senses were slowly waking up along with the rest of my body when I asked for details, the things that happened before my vision blacked out.

 

Only then did I realize the damage. Only then, did I truly feel what I did. Tibirin told me that the battle has ended and the outcome isn't as desired when his gaze moved down to Naedithas onto the bed. I followed his gaze and looked down at Naedithas. Beaten and bruised, holding his axe proudly over his chest like a true warrior. I placed my hand on his shoulder and shook him a little. "Wake up", I said. "The battle is over." Then Tibirin told me that ... Naedithas received the final blow from the demon that left his body and before he fell entirely, Naedithas finished the enemy. Both of them fell, the demon has disappeared and Naedithas ... He has passed away. I didn't believe my ears, I couldn't trust my eyes. I looked over to Tibirin with despair in my eyes and desperately tried to believe that this was a mere dream, a nightmare. I couldn't ...

 

This cannot be the truth, this cannot be reality. Naedithas is stronger than I could ever imagine! It should have been me if anyone! It's all my fault! So why won't I take the hit? Why am I not the one who is laying onto the bed like he is? Why am I a survivor?! Slowly, I started to realize more and more where I am, what I have done, how much he means to me. He's my everything, he's my only light, my only hope and never, did I have a chance to tell him that, to show him, to make him feel that way! ... Everything felt like it was over. This half elf, he brought me back from the dead and I couldn't ever repay him for this. Not once, not once could I even be honest with my feelings for him. And always, time after time, am I getting in the way of our objectives. I put everyone in danger. I do everything wrong at the cost of the innocent ...

 

Wherever I came from, no matter where I escaped from, I should have stayed there. I should have never come out, never left. For I only leave a trail of chaos and despair.

 

I felt everything that once held me together, tied with some false beliefs, lies that I made myself believe to be tough, fall apart. Everything I cared for has disappeared, along with a large section of my memory. At this point, I felt nothing like an empty vessel. Desperately trying to hold onto the lie that I could make a change. It's still not over. I felt my eyes restlessly move from side to side as I let my body lower onto that of my lover. My only one ... I said what I needed to, praying that he would somehow hear them in these final moments. I know that I am not someone of high value but his presence made me feel like I was. I felt undefeatable with Naedithas, like an armor that cannot be pierced through. He made me feel what I thought I never could and now I made him feel nothing but pain, followed by emptiness. His death is my doing ... No matter what anyone will tell me. All of it, everything, it's all my fault. I wanted to run at this moment, far away from the group, far away from civilization. I am nothing but a bomb set to explode when enough people will gather around me. My armor is gone. My light is gone. My senses are dull ... My memories are no more ... I don't even have to breathe, I don't even have to eat anymore ... I am just a hollow being, one against the ways of the world.

 

I remember their faces when they looked at me again, as I was brought back to life. They were mixed. On one side, they looked happy, but on the other ... They seemed irritated. Now it all comes together. I finally realized it. I am not wanted in this group. I am merely an obstacle.

 

. . .

 

While Tibirin was letting out his aggression onto the wall inside the chamber we fought and I held onto Naedithas, I heard the guard from up the stairs to ask if we were fine. I certainly wasn't in the position to speak at this moment. But the man seemed to catch the situation quickly before he backed away.

 

Moments later, Tibirin came back. He was exhausted but he seemed to be in a better condition to think now. I requested him to take Naedithas to a safe place, preferably the Blue Water inn. I don't want anyone to see him like this, I don't want anyone to speak of him. I don't think I can hold anything back any longer at this point. Vulnerable and weak, as I felt, I thought about all the solutions I could possibly think of. A way to breathe life into him, like he has once done to me. I want to return him the favor. I am quite certain that he wouldn't let me, ever ... But if it won't work out ... I don't think that even I can hold on. Not in a land so depressive as this one. I'm not ready to fight on my own, I never truly was ready to fight to begin with. Even to travel, I know nothing about the world. I don't understand people and I make foolish mistakes.

 

We climbed up the stairs and left the Wachter's mansion and the guard that was quick to read the situation did not talk so much. I had Tibirin tell me over and over again, how this was not my fault but I couldn't shake it off. Yshvara and Shevat joined us along the way but rarely shared any details about their investigation. At that moment, I didn't care but I grew nervous when they laid their eyes on Naedithas. Yes, that is my doing, but I refused to tell them. I didn't want to hear it at this moment, I didn't want them to give me that look. I didn't want them to look at me at all. I grew frustrated with their questions, frustrated with the situation, even when we got back inside our room. I didn't want anyone to interfere.

 

When the door shut, I explained to them the situation. I said it, I told them it was my fault. I couldn't take it. I hated it when they told me it wasn't my fault, I hated everything they said to me in that moment. I turned my head away as the conversation went on. Shevat broke down in tears, Yshvara grew sad ... I hated the sounds. I peered outside the window. It was still bright but already growing a little darker. Tonight, I thought, tonight I have my appointment. Then I realized that I had a possibility to bring him back. My gaze went over to Naedithas as I studied his features. Would he smile again when I do it? Will he hate me for it? I know that the rest will hate me, I will have no place to return to. I am not welcome anywhere ...

 

My attention went to the others, imagining that I say goodbye to each and everyone of them. I asked Tibirin if he will protect us now ... If I can count on him to fulfill that duty in Naedithas position. He told me I can, and so my gaze traveled over to Yshvara to ask the same. I need to trust these people. I have to. I need to know that they will be safe without me, so I can move on with my life. I don't know what will happen from now on, but their words when they say that they are ready to work for everything that would come at them. I smiled, I felt at ease. Shevat ... I knew that he wouldn't be fine with it, with anything at all. His precious friend, even with Naedithas' mixed feelings near the end that he told me about in our private caravan, I know that he cares for him. I also know that those feelings are returned by him as well.

 

They all seem so at peace even in total despair. Everyone did so well on their own. I should have never interfered ... I should have behaved differently, so they wouldn't have this final image of me before the unknown. I didn't want to become a troublemaker, I wanted to be someone to look up to but I turned out to be too selfish in the process. It is not I who is a hero by any means, it are these people. I hope that I can continue to count on them. I felt my emotions grow dull, not that I was reassured. My life might come to an end soon, depending on what will happen, it might. I am fine with it, I am ready to. After all, it's my part of the pact that Naedithas and I made when he brought me back. If I die, he will die ... And while he didn't know, I promised him the same. Neither of us should be alone, we said. No, when either goes down, we will go down together.

 

I intend to do just that ... To die or to live together. I'll have the enemy decide ...

 

I told them not to worry and subtly suggested that I had a plan without speaking the words. Something that Yshvara seemed to pick up on but the conversation got interrupted by the knock on the door to notify us about dinner, it is ready. I told them that I wasn't hungry, so they could go and I swear that I saw that final look of suspicion on Yshvara's ever controlled face before they walked out of the room. Shevat, who passed out, didn't seem to be in the right condition to do anything. Nobody would interfere with me now.

 

I sat down at the small table we had in the room and opened up my journal to rip out a page. On it, I wrote a letter with my final words to the team. I need them to know what is going on, no matter how things will go. If I will live, if I will die ... If Naedithas will be with them or not. I know nothing. I can only hope for things to work out. While writing this letter, I felt urged to write like an antagonist, an evil man ... I'd want them to think of me like that. Instead, I need them to. I will no longer be on their side. I am a selfish man, someone with greed ... I looked over to Naedithas, then to Shevat and felt confirmed. All of that, it's my doing, I must repay what I have done, I must let go of the sorrow if I want my final moments to be cheerful. I will make them remember me if I get to live.

 

I will become someone who's good at something ... A troublemaker, a sinner ... Someone to hate. I need to become that, for I am. I need to have them let go of what I tried to be, let go of that fake name I gave myself. Have them see what's inside. An elf who is obsessed with power, control ... And chaos ... I will make them see. Make them remember. Take away any regrets before they take me down, burn and destroy me. I felt myself smile at the thought but my eyes couldn't stop leaking the fluids that formed in my eyes. By the sound of rushed steps that approached the room, I rubbed them away and turned around to see Yshvara walk into the room. She still had some crumbs of dinner around her mouth and she was mildly exhausted, eager to check up on me.

 

I welcomed her to the room, already trying to think of her as my enemy. I knew that she was suspicious of me and it was fair to do so. I explained to her that I was writing something in my journal and placed the letter inside for the next one to open it up. I plan to leave my journal behind. I plan to leave a large section of my belongings behind for them to put to use. I don't need money, I don't need that bottle of poison ... But I will take my noble ring to indicate my origin. I will try to seek pride in what I still have, whatever is left of who I am, as pathetic as it sounds. My time has come to an end, I thought to myself as I continued to look to Yshvara who was soon accompanied with Tibirin again who asked about Naedithas favorite liquor.

 

It came suddenly. I didn't know what to think of it ... But I told him that Naedithas only ever cared for strong liquor. I learned only a few things about him, but they were enough for me to love him. Isn't it strange? How battle makes us want to hold onto people we barely know, the moment we can trust them with our lives? Haha ... Hopefully, I will learn a lot more about him ... Either in the afterlife ... Or later.

 

Tibirin left the room soon afterwards to head down the stairs, leaving me, Yshvara and Shevat behind with Naedithas. It was getting late outside, so I looked over to Yshvara and told her that I needed a moment on my own. Lying that I wouldn't go far and stay in reach, to get some fresh air after all this. Just to work things out. Yshvara said it was fine, that she would look after the others and with a final smile, I left. Walking my final path in mind, walking straight to the grave ... The steps that I followed down the stairs, they may be the last stairs I will ever walk, I thought. Urwin's smile when I was about to be on my way, might be the last smile I see. The door shut behind me and the cool air of the night embraced the torn parts of my armor. Most of my wounds were closed but I didn't care at this point. I will take care of it eventually ... Maybe ...

 

Each step toward my destination felt light. The light in the far distance was the only light that I saw on my way. It felt long, this route. I was happy, though, to see that no one was in sight to get in my way. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to think, not with anyone but that lady.

 

I got inside the mansion and no one was there. Already nervous with the thought of everything that could go wrong, maybe even mixing up the time, I reached out for the earring I was given to contact her, knowing that she would answer me back. I told her that I was there but the response wasn't in mind, it came behind me. This time, I was prepared to meet her and I turned around, free of fear of her appearance. I told her that I have a request to make of her, again, as selfish as it was. After all, she needed to talk to me, not the other way around but she allowed me to speak of my request anyway.

 

I asked her if she had learned of Naedithas his condition and if she has the ability to help me change it but as soon as I spoke, I heard another voice from the other side. A male voice. I wasn't sure if it was familiar or not until he came closer to me. Vasili von Holt stood there. I was confused and slightly irritated at it. Hasn't he disappeared? Isn't he held as a prisoner? I told him that but then he said something along the lines of "To you I can show myself". The image started to grow dark, like a shadow dropped the appearance and behind it there stood a man that matched the description of a man, most powerful.

 

Immediately, I sank through my knees. Eventually, I will have to, I thought to myself, eventually, I must try to appreciate him as a superior. His presence is heavy, pressing, it felt really strong ... And he's quite handsome as well if you ask me? They didn't lie? No wonder why those women are all over him ... And he has all those concubines ... Anyway ... Ahem ...

 

Well, he seemed to appreciate the gesture and we spoke a little. He confirmed that he knew what it was like and seemed to be aware of my relationship with Naedithas of which I do wonder why and how ... Has he been watching?

 

I raised my head and got back up my feet when Strahd told me that he was ready to help me. I swore my loyalty and requested him to take me in, for I have nowhere to go to. He lets me, he allows me to and I felt ... Uneasy about it. I was terrified for what would come but I didn't back down even once when the plan was set. It was a risk, a pure risk. I didn't know if he would keep his word, no matter what he says he will. I'll have to trust him, see where it takes me. There is nothing left of who I was anyway. With that letter written, my journal left behind, they can think of me what they want. It's not of my concern now, the only thing that matters is Naedithas.

 

I was told to head back to the room in the Blue Water inn and to let him in when the voice would request permission and I agreed. Not without hesitation. Any mistake and I would blow this opportunity as well. My only one ... I left the building with mixed feelings. I feared everything, I feared putting my team members at risk but I can't back down ... It's over already.

 

I went back inside, by now, darker than ever, and moved up the stairs. I felt both confident for having discovered a plan of escape as well as I felt insecure. Each step I made to get closer, they felt heavier until I made it up the staircase and knocked the door where I imagined everyone to be at. Tibirin followed me inside the room, soon afterwards and Yshvara asked if I felt better or not. I smiled at her with a strange relief and returned a nod. I feel much better, thank you. Tibirin did not seem to be doing fine ... The way he struggled with his balance. Has he been drinking?

 

Before we could really start a conversation, a knock on the window sounded. No one was visible but everyone looked in the direction when a voice sounded. "Can I come in?" I observed the shock on the other people's faces, when I answered the voice "Yes, you can come in ...~" I couldn't help myself but to smile. It's happening ... Now it's finally happening ... I thought to myself, when suddenly the window opened up and a shadow covered the environment. Strahd stood there, near the window and he greeted everyone.

 

I don't know what it was, but I felt incredibly powerful with this man by my side. Villain or not, it felt great to be in control of the situation and to watch Strahd take what I requested of him. He was even so kind to pass me the credit for the idea. I saw their gaze rest on me as I smirked back at them. I confirmed them. He's right. Right, look into the eyes of your enemy, I thought. Tibirin connected the dots and was quick to use his silvered weapon to shove it down onto Naedithas skin. The sight had me shocked as I yelled at him not to but Strahd's controlled voice managed to reach me when he laughed it off. It wouldn't stop him, he said ... But did he really have to damage him? ... He took Tibirin by his throat as he rose him from the spot. I felt the guilt rise inside of me when I quickly begged him to go easy on him. Tibirin may be foolish sometimes, but he hasn't deserved that! Even if he did stab Naedithas just now ... "This isn't what you want ...", Tibirin said to me. This is all I've ever wanted. Yshvara said to me that he was finally free, to which I smiled. Soon, I will be, too. Free of concern ... In this forsaken land.

 

Yshvara tried to help him but Strahd was quick to cancel any abilities before he threw Tibirin against the wall on my request. Then he reached his hand in my direction and placed one over Naedithas, giving me a sign to come and join him. I dropped off my bag from which I took some of my belongings, then I approached him and while we were about to leave, Yshvara gave me an expression I have never seen in my life before. It was filled with hate. "You're making a huge mistake ...", she said to me with grit teeth. Again, I smiled.

 

 

. . .

 

I know.

 

 

 

 

 

(Next page)

 

"I hope that my journal will one day find its way to my parents. I pray for them to find it, the final traces of who I was, who I became. I know that they aren't proud of me even after reading it but I need them to know that I had a fine life. I've never lived so freely before. I hope that they don't think of me as they said: a shame to the family.

Mother, Father, I'm sorry for not being able to become as you wanted me to be. I don't think I would ever be able to keep up your reputation. I became someone differently. Take care of yourselves.

Farewell,

Ellamin Liadon"