Session #19: Alive (again)

[istainion]

 15 February, 2021  [7:45 PM - 11:30 PM+ (GMT+1)]

 

... Black, more black and ... Wait, even more black! I walked a path of darkness, nothing to recognize. I heard voices but all of them felt from far distances, they were blurred and it was difficult to make out what they said. I continued the path, all the way until I found myself standing in front of a dim lit space. A table stood there and two chairs, one of them had an unknown silhouette sitting. For some reason, this figure appeared familiar, especially when the female voice reached my ears with a request to take a seat. I simply sat down, not knowing what would come nor what to expect in a place so confusing.

 

This woman of which name I did not know at that time, nor could I ever be truly certain whom I spoke with, she mentioned something about my return. I have once fallen, I have died. I didn't believe it, I simply couldn't believe it. Where was I? All I've been seeing is darkness, nothing more. It was her who brought me back, at least, she is involved with it. She made a deal with me, a promise. Her strength is weakened, the spirits whom she took advice from in the past, they are held as prisoners. The spirits of the three shrines. If I manage to break them free, I might be able to regain some of myself.

 

Who I am, where I came from ... Anything that is a big blur as of now. With the little choice I had, I have agreed to do my best. The great spirits of nature, to bring back their essence, I must find them, free them ... One of the shrines, she said to me, we have already passed. Where it was, I couldn't tell ... Neither would she tell me, I think she'd rather be vague about it than help me out! It was a little frustrating ...

 

Great spirits of the land, water and mountain ... Seek for tenacious creatures ...

 

After our talk, I fell through the darkness, like the floor suddenly disappeared below me until I hit the ground. Nothing in sight, I saw a door in the far distance. The only light source in this absolute darkness. I ran there, as fast as I could. I needed to get away, away from this place ... Step into the light once again. With caution, I looked past the opening. There was a blinding light but it was more calming than the darkness was. I stepped into the light. Gradually, I felt my senses connect once again . . .

 

I've opened up my tired eyes. A sharp pain shot through my body when I did, reminding me of the battle I have once fought and lost. Whoever did this to me, I'll make sure to return them the favor in ways beyond their imagination ... Nobody will get in my way any longer, I promised to myself. I'll make my life worth living for, I'll enjoy it, to the fullest.

 

I recognized my environment, one by one, I noticed the familiar faces, their names, their stories. I was held, someone was behind me and he held me so dearly. I'm in a warm place, among people I know, people I care for and the one I care for most is holding me. Protecting me from harm. Nico was keeping an eye on everything while the others are asleep, only then I realized my consciousness drifted away again. I'm safe, I am alive  . . .

 

The next time I opened up my eyes, I was in a different position. I felt like my body was flying until I gently hit something with my arms and chest. I was held again, I didn't touch the ground and all I saw and felt was the soft hair of a familiar half elf. Naedithas held me. When he realized that I was awake, he said all kinds of things. Things I have never heard him say to me. He missed hearing my voice, he hated the silence. He apologized to me, he said something about having brought me back on his responsibility. Asked me if that was alright to do or not. Is he silly or what? Does he truly believe I am ready to go? I don't know my age but I am damn certain that I am too young to die without remembering whether or not I have accomplished anything in life.

 

Though, being held like this, told all those sweet things all the time, I believe I have never felt so complete. Having someone who cares for me, something, I feel like I have lacked that my whole life. I wake up, back from the death and it's the first thing I gain. I feel like my life finally has a meaning. I have been given life by this person, through others, his voice, it sounds familiar. I have heard it before, that white room ... I have heard his voice reach out to me. Was it just a dream? Was it reality? It's as certain as my condition is. Dead, but alive, stuck between the two, I stand here. Nothing I would ever regret, I hope ... Neither does he.

 

Ana, she also helped me get back from the death, she needed something from me. She needed to do some kind of weird experiment on me. Naedithas was told to put me down on a crate and I felt nothing but fear when I saw the needle she held in he hand. I wanted to get the hell away but he held me down, I looked away, not wanting to know when it would hit. She spoke of my blood. Dark red she said, as much of an expert in biological stuff, I had not a single clue what it was about. Not a lot of blood either, she said. She keeps the blood in a bottle of clear liquid to investigate. She's not even a doctor of some sort! Well, I'm sure she has her ways or something ...

 

That's when they noticed my appearance and pointed it out. I was beyond shocked to hear that my hair color washed away entirely, as well as the color I once had, it's replaced by the color of pure, white snow. My eyes are dyed with a red color. I told them not to look at me, terrified with the discovery. I didn't even want to think of how I look now. It must be terrifying to even look me in the eyes, I fear they will hunt me ... Believing I am some sort of demon, an evil wizard, something forbidden from this world ... Is resurrection against the laws of the world, I wonder? Am I a product of a forbidden ritual? Will I be safe?

 

Yshvara and Naedithas have tried to calm me down, to encourage me but I needed time to process all the information, emotions and sensations of being alive. To see so many colors all of a sudden, so many sounds, people, interactions. It was a little much to handle but then Naedithas said to me ... It doesn't matter, he said, what color my eyes are, my eyes haven't changed. He likes the color and he will protect me for whoever would go against me. I was speechless, still disapproving of the color, but the screams inside of me I felt the voices weaken. He encouraged me, for some reason, his voice is much clearer than it ever has before. He can reach me much deeper than he ever could.

 

Yshvara offered me her help, she promised to help me dye my hair while the others kept an eye on the weather. A heavy rain was outside as she did her best to restore the color I once had. Her attempt, however, had failed. My snow white hair, it refuses to accept any pigments. As discouraged as I felt with the discovery, I thanked her and returned to Naedithas.

 

I had hoped to change my color to a shade where my eyes could not stand out as much as they do, but I have failed it and it seems like I have little chance to cover that up. Hopefully, I will gain the ability to cast an illusion spell, to look exactly the same as I once did. How am I going to explain this to those I have met? I'd rather avoid speaking of my loss in battle, pretend I am someone differently than I was but the evidence against me is all over me. I am the same person with memory loss.

 

When I was at the half elf's side again, he requested my short sword, the one I found at the manor when we first arrived in Barovia. With questioning eyes, I gave it to him. I trusted him but then he suddenly cut himself in his wrist. Is he out of his mind?! Worried over his choices and yelling at him to stop it, he turned around and held his ear accessory in my direction. The feathers, the tips were dyed in his blood. I gave him a dumbfounded look and pointed out the blood but I saw the frustration dig deep into his facial expression. It's a ritual of some sort, a pact, of which I was unaware. If I die, he said, he will come with me. He will stay with me, a pact of life. He's swearing his loyalty to me for the rest of his life. I didn't know how to react, I was speechless. It was so much, almost too much to accept.

 

If I didn't manage to cover it up, I'd make a fool out of myself in the eyes of the others, I embarrassed the man and asked if it was a proposal to me. His face went through several stages until his cheeks flushed. "Yes, in a way I guess", he answered me. Then he yelled at me to take it, which I did. I gladly accepted that, played it cool but on the inside, I felt a lot of things shatter. Like the ice inside of me began to melt at the tone of his voice, the gestures he makes in my directions, the words he spoke ... He was honest. In return, I handed him my accessory, it's nothing but a clip but it's my way to say, without speaking the words that it was a return of my side of the pact. If he goes down with no way to return, then I, too, will go down with him. He doesn't need to know that. I don't want to burden him with it and make him blame himself for my actions.

 

There's nothing for me out there.

 

. . .

 

We all went outside, after realizing that the path awaiting us is covered in a heavy storm. I let Naedithas carry me for the heck of it, I needed to make the most of my time back even if it makes me look like an idiot to the others. I have better things to give a damn about. With my hair hidden behind the hood of my cape, and my cape covering most of Naedithas, we followed the path down in the direction of the Vistani encampment. We made a short break in an open space again before we went on and made it to our destination.

 

I've recognized a few familiar faces. Ulog, some of the guards and Stanlan, whom Yshvara spoke to. To freshen up my memory, I've suggested sitting near the fire to dry up and scroll through my journal. Naedithas refused to let go of me and decided to go with me, I certainly didn't mind. We picked ourselves a private space for me to read and write down a few notes again. To my own surprise, the memories written there, they reach beyond what I remember. I realize that everything I remember is from inside Barovia, the count has something to do with it. Ana said something to Shevat about me being 90% the same person, what's with that? Strahd's influence is in me? Well, nothing new to me. That bastard has me in his grip for a while now. It must have been a show to watch me die and notice my resurrection taking place.

 

While reading, I realize another thing. A name, Ailoton ... Is not my true name. It's a name I once made up in the past, to shield myself from something or someone. The relationship with my parents has been bad as well, they need me to ... Be like them, a thing I refuse to be ... Something I refuse to speak of. Their origin, their occupation, their mindset. I seem to have some respect for nobles and avoid my knowledge about them ... I feel that I have something in common with them and there's something about an escape. I've escaped something or someone ... I have escaped a place, I use a different name ... My hair was dyed ... I wear some sort of cosmetics ... Who I am, or who I once was ... Tries to pass on a different identity. I may be a wanted criminal, I may as well be sought by the place that once kept me, or fear for that. I fear to remember who I once was now that I feel so free of concern. There's another thing, it's something about a mission and buildings collapsing, landing on innocent people ... My head stings ... I recall none of this happening. There were only vague images, none that made sense.

 

Did I cause this fire? Did I murder these innocent people by accident by setting a place on fire? ... Am I this mischievous villain? No, it's too soon to decide. When I wanted to reach for my journal, I saw some elegant clothes ... Whoever I am, I may have lived a wealthy life. The quality of my tunic is great.

 

I read on, learning that my parents were the ones holding me on the spot. I read things like

"Why haven’t I learned this during my studying sessions back at home?! Why didn't Mother and Father let me learn about druids?! They were probably afraid that I would use it to escape their grasp earlier than I had planned"

 

Mother and father, they wanted me to study, to become just like them. I wanted to escape their grasp because I refused to be like them. I refer to a lot of people as "commoners". My origin is likely of something higher than these so-called commoners. Though what's this in relation with a fire?

 

Some vague flashbacks reach out to me, the ones I saw before the darkness. I was in a room, one filled with books. I don't remember what I was doing but it looked like I was in a small library of some sort, a very familiar room until a man came in. He called out to me with a different name than the one I present myself with. "Ellamin" ... This man, he reminded me of my purpose in life, he asked if I was studying ... Then mentioned the family, I shouldn't disappoint them. I remember feeling cramped in that room, an urge for freedom. That room, it felt like a prison. I gave a reaction I do not recall, it upset the man ... He yelled at me not to speak to him with that tone ... Right before the door shut. I believe this man was my father, I only ever mention my parents in my journal, their desire for me to study. It should be my father ... And in that other memory ... It was worse ...

 

The fire, a man ... A town in total chaos ... He called out to me, named me "captain", have I ever earned myself a position like that? ... I remember being desperate, feeling the urge to save people ... A girl ... A young girl right before a pillar, she was crying ... I saw the pillar break and dashed over to the little girl. She was terrified in my arms and called out to her father. I remember ... Promising her to find him when everything is over ... This girl, she asked me whether or not I was a hero ... I remember it touching me ... Deep inside of me, to reassure her, I answered her with an answer I thought she would like ... Or was it what I truly thought that day ... I cannot be a criminal ... These memories, however, they don't connect but they had an impact on me ...

 

The soothing sound of the campfire in the cold, wet weather outside brought me back to my senses. The warm touch from the arms of another, I felt accepted. No matter who I once was, no matter what I appear to hide. I care about these people, especially him. That's what matters for now. I looked up to Naeditas in this moment and asked him if I will ever remember these things ever again. He reassured me that everything will be alright. I move a little closer to him. Maybe I really don't want to remember, maybe it is true what people believe ... Nobles are terrible people, it's better to simply abandon his past. If I succeed in finding the spirits and will remember, I will make sure that the life I have lived up until then, will be worthy, free of fear, concern. I just want to let go and do whatever makes me happy.

 

When I put away my journal again, the book flipped open by accident and I saw a name written on the inside of the cover. It matched the name with which I was named. Again, this ... Ellamin ... It says ... Ellamin "Ailoton" Liadon. Ellamin Liadon is my true identity ... Without speaking a word to Naedithas about it, I've considered my choices. Naedithas is important to me as of now, I feel dishonest to keep up what I did ... Especially to someone sworn to protect me. Should I tell him my name? How about I let it sound like a nickname? I'll think about it ... I think I have got a clue who I am, even if none of it can ever be confirmed, for now this is enough.

 

When I placed the journal in my bag again, I noticed the few spare arrows that I carry besides the silver ones. I asked Naedithas if he'd come with me to find a merchant. Of course, he didn't mind too and we got up to look around, until I saw someone who seemed in the mood for a little chat. I told them about my search for a merchant or blacksmith and they redirected me to this interesting, muscular lady with an eye patch and black and some silver hair. She's an older lady, smoking her pipe while she sat ... Well, not very feminine. I thought she was pretty cool. I bought a set of 50 arrows from her in return for a single gold piece then sought for arm guards again but nothing caught my attention, other than this specific bow. Carved from a very pale, near white wood. Attached to its beautiful shape, there was a thin, silver bow string. It glittering in the light, even at this time. I asked her about the price but it wasn't for sale, it is just a work in progress. Though if I have interests in it, she told me to prove myself to her. I accepted the challenge, motivated to be able to buy that beautiful weapon when it's done.

 

She took me to the back and pointed at a target, far into the distance. It was caught in the stormy weather and she challenged me to hit the bull's eye. The merchant gave me three attempts to hit it, just to see if I am a worthy archer or not. Well damn, I hit the target with the first shot and returned her a confident smile. 150 feet, it won't get in the way of what I want. Again, she said to me. I needed to shoot three times. My second shot was not as good as the first. I felt discouraged immediately, feeling the pressure of failure get in my way of getting what I wanted. I took another aim, focused on the target and released the arrow. This time, I hit the spot and the lady was impressed! She praised me for my skills and believed that her bow would be in capable hands, however, it wasn't finished yet. It lacks certain materials for me to gather for her, to put me to the test. She promised to give me a discount, but didn't make up her mind about the price yet.

 

As for the lacking materials, she needs me to pay a visit to some dragon lair at Mt. Baratok, find a blue DRAGON of lightning and get two of his horns. While I'm at it, get some of its leather for the quiver. I'm excited about the idea that it may add some of its elemental effect but ... If I am capable of defeating a dragon?! I wonder if the rest of my team is willing to go as far as to go hunting with me. Though, what if it'll look like a coincidence? Maybe if I can shoot an arrow to provoke it ... Out of their sight ... We'll all be drawn in battle to survive ... And while we're at it, I'll kindly request Tibirin to help me with the horns and skin~ All it takes is just good timing and planning ... I set my mind to it, I want that damn thing.

 

We left the merchant after Naedithas said that he doesn't need anything. I feel like ... I want to give him something in return for what he does to me. Maybe I'll buy him a little long lasting gift sometime, something other than food or liquor. Maybe ... Something custom made by someone. Maybe an accessory, like a ring ...

 

As time passes, we move back to our spot where we sit with the others for dinner. I don't feel any hunger at all, it feels odd to even think of it. I'll still try to have some, it may just be my mind playing tricks on me. Tonight, Ulog will tell us his tale about the spirits, there may be some clues in there, I am convinced of that. I am sure that there aren't many mountains in Barovia to find the mountain spirit, or water, like the lake we passed ... As for the land. We might have some difficulty finding it. There was a dangerous monster between Vallaki and Krezk, maybe he is a monster that we need to keep our eyes on. Vasili spoke of it ... This better not put our lives at risk for finding opponents much stronger than us, I have a bow to get!

 

. . .  And until my day comes again, I am going to hold onto the fact that I could be considered married to this guy. May he never let go of me, no matter if he'll beat me over something stupid I say or do, may he hold onto me until my final breath, just the way he brought me back. Since I don't seem to need revenge for someone who is responsible for my death, I guess I can live in peace.

 

. . .